Anal Fissure Town

The other day, my foreign friend (yes, I only have one...that's enough) and I decided that there is really nothing funnier than anal fissures. What are anal fissures, you ask? Oh, just hairline tears anywhere along the anus. How is that related to nutrition, you ask? Oh.....like this.


If you go to a Mexican restaurant that is NOT a chain...you're going to find yourself in anal fissure town.

If you eat too much fiber and not enough liquid...anal fissure town.

If you drink too much espresso prepping for your big meeting...anal fissure town.

If you visit a Chinese Buffet....or any buffet for that matter (especially if seafood, steak, and pizza are all served at the same meal)...12 and under....free anal fissure town.

If that Imodium worked a little too well...anal fissure town.

If pooping makes you anxious...anal fissure town.

If you force yourself not to use the restroom for prolonged periods of time due to poor sanitation issues in your current environment...anal fissure town.

If you think fat-free chips made with Olestra are your ticket to skinny town....think again...anal fissure town.

If you think that Taco Bell is your salvation after a night of tequila shots....4th meal anal fissure town.

If you live in San Fransisco...in the 80's...anal fissure town.

Let it flow steady, Louisville...trust me...you'll be avoiding some much unnecessary pain.

Peace out, from Anal Fissure Town.

- Written in collaboration with a Russian Immigrant named Sasha.

Oh, if you are currently suffering from an anal fissure, try taking a mild stool softener for about 6 weeks. If pain continues, consult your doctor asap!!! Oh, and avoid those late night White Castle trips:)

Happy Friday:)!!